SSDD

Compassion. Charity. Helpfulness.

These are things that most people want to be known for, but also things of which we don't want to need to be recipients. I like being able to help others, but am loath to accept (much less ask for) help. I give to charity, but not need to accept it.

My in-laws are helping pay for T's band trip. My mom paid her college deposit. My dad insisted that I continue  seeing doctors to determine what's going on with my hearing - and paying the bills for those visits and tests.

I know how good it feels to be in a position to help. I remind myself of that, and graciously accept the financial assistance. But inside I'm crying and ranting and upset. I'm 45 years old - I should be able to take care of my family and myself! I have over 20 years work experience - I should be able to land a well-paying job!

My self confidence (never my strongest characteristic) is once again under siege. I question my abilities, my skills. If hiring managers don't think I can do these jobs, am I just fooling myself? I've prided myself on being able to step into a variety of roles, on being a jack-of-all-trades. Now that flexibility seems to be a liability. I've done some training. But I've never been a "Trainer." I've done some training design. But I've never had formal "Instructional Design" classes. I've written technical documentation and marketing materials. But I've never been a "Technical Writer" and I don't feel that marketing is my strong area. I've been a technical support analyst. But I don't hold any technical certifications and, having been a manager, I'm over qualified. If I'm capable of doing more than the job entails - hire me! I'll do the job and keep asking for more! And you'll find that I'm very loyal.
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On a different topic, I did make it down into my craft room for a little while today. I stitched the binding on the ugly cat quilt I made and used as a practice quilt for free motion quilting. Achmed was intrigued by it again and is looking forward to having it to sleep on (I can tell). I also did some work on the second grey glove for T while I was on the ferry. So, that's two of the UFOs on which I am making progress. I'm restraining myself from starting another quilt - mainly because I've got a double-handful of blocks for one, and some cut pieces of a different block - and neither are what I want to work on. But I also don't want to start something else new when I have so many UFOs already.

Job, health, house, yard, crafts...I'm very restless about everything right now. I wish I could afford a vacation. Or enough fabric to make a quilt for which I've picked and purchased specifically for it.

Hire me already!

It's almost the end of April, which means it's almost 6 months since I was last employed. The last time I went this long without a paying job I was in high school. I have kids in high school now!

It's not like I don't have job skills. Aside from double-ledger accounting I have yet to find something I cannot do. (In my MBA accounting class - although I got an A - I never could seem to get the two sides to add up correctly.) I think part of the problem is that I'm a Jack-of-All-Trades, and master of several.

I've run technical support and customer service departments. I've created and delivered technical training. I've hired, fired, managed, and mentored. I'm a quick and thorough proofreader. I've written marketing materials and created detailed functional specifications. I can effectively multi-task and efficiently switch from one activity to another at the drop of a hat.

What do I want to do? Right now I just want to work! If I had my druthers I'd be doing student advising or life coaching. I'd be happy doing training - technical, topical, or new hire orientation would be fantastic. I enjoy learning about and documenting process, so a business analyst role would be up my alley. The only thing I really don't want to do again that I've done before is deal with unhappy customers. At this point, though, I'm again applying for customer support management positions - I just want to be employed!

It's not like there's not enough to do around the homestead. I can definitely keep myself busy here. In addition to the aforementioned crafts there are a shy 2.5 acres around me that need some serious love. In the short time we've had decent weather this year I've already cleared about 10 cubic yards of overgrown back yard. That's more than I managed the past 4 years or so, and it feels good to re-claim that space. There's a lot more of that to do, and that's the easy part of the work! If I ever get that done, I can attack the English Ivy that's trying to kill my forest, or clean up the space where the old barn came down (most of the barn was burned for firewood, but there's a lot of junk in that clearing), or I could scrub the livingroom floor (which needs it desperately), or wash windows, or de-junk the library, or.....

None of those things, however, brings in income (with the possible exception of the crafts, if I ever manage to finish and list something). We're squeaking by on UI, but without medical insurance for the girls and I. And once that runs out....

Anyone need a Jack-of-All-Trades?

The Squirrel has gotten loose

A few years back I made a deal with myself. At the time I had about a bazillion UFOs (that's UnFinished Objects for the uninitiated). It was a bit out of hand. In order to get things back under control, I decided to give myself some limits. I could have no more than two projects in progress at any given time: one I worked on at home, and one that I could carry with me (mostly to work on during my ridiculously long commute). That worked great for a while. I whittled down the UFOs, then lived within my limits for, oh, at least a year. (That's pretty amazing in itself).

Things started to go sideways, though, when I had a 100 day sabbatical from a Microsoft contract (if you're a certain type of temp, Microsoft lets you work for 1 calendar year, then makes you take 100 days off to prove to you that you aren't really an employee). I figured I had limited time, so I'd just pound out a bunch of quilt tops, then complete them over time once I was working again.

That first part worked great. I made probably 15 quilt tops. A few queen size, a bunch of baby/lap quilts... I tried some new patterns and fabric combinations. Lots of fun!

The second part, though... Well, the fun part of quilting for me is the designing and piecing. Basting the things is a combination of aggravating and boring, but I don't have access to a long-arm machine so baste I must. Then I have to quilt it either by hand (I've done that a couple times - it takes for-fricken-ever!) or on my home machine. I do NOT enjoy trying to ram a queen-sized quilt through my home machine's throat at the dining room table. I've recently discovered, however, that it's the workspace that's the problem, not the quilting. You see, if I had a proper table for my sewing machine, the deck would be level with the tabletop and everything would be so much simpler. I could just.... what? Oh, sorry. There goes the squirrel again.

Anyway - I still have some of those quilt tops in a bin. I've also taken up knitting and have three pairs of fingerless gloves 98% complete - I just need to weave in the ends. If I'd done that last summer/fall when I made them I probably could have sold them on Etsy last winter. I WILL finish my nephew's cross-stitched baby quilt before he turns 5 in a few months! I think I've finished all the bead jewelry I had in progress. I need sugar before I can turn last fall's blackberry juice (currently in the freezer) into jelly. I have 3 feet by 1/4 inch of touchup to do and then the bedroom is completely painted...except for the pass-through to the kitchen that is...

It's been a long time since I've done any embroidery, though, and I have three kits waiting downstairs for me. But there's that quilt I want to get started for Jim (I really need to make a quilt for my husband since I've made one for just about everyone else in my family). And I'd like to make some gloves for the secretary at the high school who's been so great helping Ellie with her diabetes this year. Oh - but the "secret project" has to take priority over everything else, since that's on a deadline. And I've got some ideas for next year's band booster auction quilt...

Look - a squirrel!