SSDD

Compassion. Charity. Helpfulness.

These are things that most people want to be known for, but also things of which we don't want to need to be recipients. I like being able to help others, but am loath to accept (much less ask for) help. I give to charity, but not need to accept it.

My in-laws are helping pay for T's band trip. My mom paid her college deposit. My dad insisted that I continue  seeing doctors to determine what's going on with my hearing - and paying the bills for those visits and tests.

I know how good it feels to be in a position to help. I remind myself of that, and graciously accept the financial assistance. But inside I'm crying and ranting and upset. I'm 45 years old - I should be able to take care of my family and myself! I have over 20 years work experience - I should be able to land a well-paying job!

My self confidence (never my strongest characteristic) is once again under siege. I question my abilities, my skills. If hiring managers don't think I can do these jobs, am I just fooling myself? I've prided myself on being able to step into a variety of roles, on being a jack-of-all-trades. Now that flexibility seems to be a liability. I've done some training. But I've never been a "Trainer." I've done some training design. But I've never had formal "Instructional Design" classes. I've written technical documentation and marketing materials. But I've never been a "Technical Writer" and I don't feel that marketing is my strong area. I've been a technical support analyst. But I don't hold any technical certifications and, having been a manager, I'm over qualified. If I'm capable of doing more than the job entails - hire me! I'll do the job and keep asking for more! And you'll find that I'm very loyal.
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On a different topic, I did make it down into my craft room for a little while today. I stitched the binding on the ugly cat quilt I made and used as a practice quilt for free motion quilting. Achmed was intrigued by it again and is looking forward to having it to sleep on (I can tell). I also did some work on the second grey glove for T while I was on the ferry. So, that's two of the UFOs on which I am making progress. I'm restraining myself from starting another quilt - mainly because I've got a double-handful of blocks for one, and some cut pieces of a different block - and neither are what I want to work on. But I also don't want to start something else new when I have so many UFOs already.

Job, health, house, yard, crafts...I'm very restless about everything right now. I wish I could afford a vacation. Or enough fabric to make a quilt for which I've picked and purchased specifically for it.